最近都唔知点解一直有一个念法；好想自己去一个完全陌生既地方生活。好想完全唔靠家人既生活支持，一个人到外头闯闯。

我会继续努力创造梦想未来。

我亦知道个一日好快就到。

=)

Today I watched Legion. The movie itself has nothing worth to be penned down but there is this one dialog from the movie, that rings a bell in me.

When I was small my father always tell me this before I sleep:” If today is your last day on Earth, do you feel proud about who you are and what you do? If the answer is no, start working on it

For several consecutive days I woke up to confusion. Bill told me one door closes, the other opens. I told them second door closes, third door opens. After all is said and done, more is said than done. It’s never easy when it comes to walking the talk. I met with Fido today, we were killing some time off in MPH, waiting for the movie to start. I was holding books and asking him to buy but all he told me is that:” I will never buy any more books until the day I start applying what I’ve learned from them”.

True.

How many of us do really appreciate all those information and positive messages from books  and how many of us make a conscious effort on what we’ve been told and leverage from there?

How many of us do really find it practical behind every encouraging  and motivational words.

When I started to work on finding the way to what I’ve envisioned, I faced with lot of options and most importantly I guess I came to aware that I’ve always love what I am studying but I’ve never put enough effort in appreciating my academic study.

January the 30th, I start to discount on my sole belief when I am looking for the third doors. I need to talk.

I was talking to James and…

gasp…

Mauritius?

It’s the same old routine, took an hour long train ride from NTU to Changi, checked-in and bumped onto any of those high speed travellator, conveyed me across the long aisle to the gate. Got my carry-ons scanned, smiled to the air crew and clumsily fit my bags in that very confined spaces. Sillily reassured to myself that the compressors were still hanging on the wings, I know my mind runs the most active seconds before take-off. So does my emotion.

I was still holding the book I got from Harris in Jurong Point, gripping it firmly on my hand. I know I am not going to read any single page of it on the cabin. The book tittled [Ten Rules for a Fulfilling Life] by Dr Cherie Carter-Scott. It has totally nothing to do with what I was experiencing the entire week. But I have made a promise to myself, whenever life gives me a challenge, that I find it hard to overcome, I will then get a new book and read. At the end of the day I will see piles of books in front of me, visualizing the challenges I faced, and how much I’ve learned from it.

**************

I could still remember a week ago, I woke up extra early to that annoying drowsiness, just to catch an early flight at 7. I felt so different this time around, compared to that trip to Singapore in NLDS. I wasn’t really able to comfort myself even seconds before boarding the flight, until the very minute I arrived at Ivan’s place.

I’ve never seen a sky like this before. I’ve never gone this high before. I can even see the curved horizon of earth.

The election itself is so different from the one we did in Malaysia. It’s more question and answer forum, candidates going in campus by campus to get to know the people, or rather, to get the people know them. You can never tell how nervous I was the day before the first session. I was staying in the library the entire day, mugging on all the information I have just to make sure I am giving the best when it happens. Though ShiJun was with me the entire day, I can’t help feeling the presence of myself in this new environment, consciously aware that I am not from Singapore, or rather, AIESEC Singapore. Until I got that email from Jessie, I felt so much better.

The entire meet the people session was really interesting. Just imagine somewhat in an opportunity you are brought to a new environment, where people barely know you, and you are to communicate to convince the people to cast their vote on you. It’s especially intriguing as day goes by, you built the synergy even among the candidates itself, and the feeling of working in team started to brew ever since the first session started.

I could vividly remember last Friday night, a day before the election day. I was all alone the entire day, preparing for my speeches. It became so strange all of a sudden, when that feeling stroke me once again, questioning about how much I have done before, do I have what it takes to be at the top. It wasn’t a good feeling at all especially when you are all done with the preparation, waiting for that little final touches to everything. I started to doubt and again I took a walk around the campus. Just because everyone I called was busy, so I was alone.

It’s always a starry night in Singapore. Nobody but me seemed to appreciate it. Then I started to reflect back my awesome one and a half month experience, I couldn’t help feeling proud about my decision on following my vision, breaking the norm and making things happen. I’ve probably never be this clear before of what I really want to do in near future. Not even when I was deciding which university to go to.

The election day itself is a very, very long process. I guess the highlight of the day has to go to Wan Xin’s speech. Seriously, I’ve never seen a person who can speak so confidently live in front of people. The quality of the content and the delivery has brought each and everyone of us emotionally connected to the flow of the story.

I delivered my speech, focusing a lot on my thoughts, focuses, and strategies on growth. I guess also, this is the best speech I ever delivered. I didn’t do it perfectly, not that my speech is so inspiring that are able motivate everyone to vote for me. Simply because that is the best piece of work I delivered, and my one core attention was put on serving the best interest of the organization.

*****************

So then the arrival of the defining moment. 7 of the MC VP candidates were called upon to be in the middle of crowd. Expectations, hope and supports were what I felt for being in the middle of this bunch of aspiring leaders of tomorrow. This is the kind of feeling that I don’t get in anywhere, and I am pretty thankful for I had savored the moment.

The name of those who passes the vote of confidence was called upon to take one step forward. Mercy, Rachel, Wan Xin, Victoria were called. And there is only one more candidate out of the three left passed the votes. The air is stricken and I felt suffocated for a moment, my mind went blank. Literally, totally blank ever since that moment until the morning the other day I sober up from the alcohol. No, my name has never been called the entire night. I didn’t make it.

********************

After the results, I was left in awe. Confusion is all it comes to me, I was being skeptical again about my decision of following my vision. Zafirah, who were then the MCP AIESEC Singapore 05/06, came up to me and said:” it was very close”. They are celebrating. Some are hugging me, talking to me, comforting me. I was still eying the new team, hoping to make that little one step forward to be with them. I know I am very close to making it, but the truth is no. The national plenary has spoken, I am not the one they need at the moment. I know how much I want it, and how hard I worked for it.

We went to that Taiwanese restaurant in Bugis to have our supper. And there we wrote messages on tissue papers in replace with sugar cubes messages to each other.

I wrote that Goodbye dialog, and someone added a reply beside… Think it’s Mercy’s handwriting?

My mind went blank the entire night. I feel sad but not disappointed. Feeling happy for have gone through this amazing process where I found out more about myself, and feeling sad for everything is finally coming to an end. It’s always with this contradictory feeling inside me that left me speechless the entire night over the supper. (oh yea, the bubble tea was awesomely made!) And when I got back NTU, I spent the night with another friend. Drink and talk. On and off I guess we talked for one whole night, witnessing the sky to change from dark to bright. I received an email from Iris the morning when I returned to Ivan’s room. She always has those magic in her words that can touch your heart and comfort your soul.

****************

Buckling up the seat belt, I gazed upon the sky. It’s already 940pm and I am really tired. I was still gripping firmly to the book, constantly reminding myself not to forget the lesson learned from this unique experience of mine. The compressors were churning. I know the time has come and I am going home.

I needed a rest and I really need some time off to figure things out, on what’s next for me.

I took a chance in life. I am not sure how much I’ve learned from this, I can’t articulate what I actually gained, but one thing I realised is that, I’ve grown up a little. I felt the way I handle the situation that comes to me, handling contingencies, and emotion, is so different from the way I was.

Life is beautiful isn’t it?

My Gmail background today is full of juicy peaches, the lazy brown fox is no where to be found. If only the mails arrived at my inbox can be more positive, the day could be a perfect day.

Since I came back on Sunday, I haven’t really got time to really settle down and consolidate my thoughts and emotions. Friends are sending their regards through emails, text messages and so on. What I really want is a call actually.

I just flipped through that little piece of tissue papers and read what have they written in it for me. It brought me back a lot of memories. A lot of pictures on elections, NLDS, non-AIESEC random stuffs, friends, places and so on, autopilot-ing in my mind.

When I am done catching up with works from last week and this week, I will be putting down what I’ve experienced in this one-and-a-half months. I tried really hard. It’s been truly amazing and very thought provoking.

Give me some time, I will write about that very soon.

Please leave me no comment for this post, and save it for the next. =)

When I’m done with everything. I will be writing something about this two months.

Just a little bit more =)

I am sitting in office, reminiscing every bits of the moment I had in the office during AIESEC Singapore NLDS preparation. The moment I entered SMU, from business school escalator down all the way through the dimmed dark underground corridor, sidelined with the flowery students activity notice board and decoration, along the way it filled with students walking at Singaporean pace. The first thing that made me feel so familiar with this place has to be the coffee smell from the Koufu, just beside the MC office.

Day 2 Meet the People in NUS is about to start at 7pm. Yesterday was just okay, I need to do an above decent job!

Yesterday when I was standing in front of everyone, I had a feeling that I never had before. All that in my mind wasn’t about what I’ve prepared for them, what strategies or whatsoever robust plans that I am going to bring about. Instead, I am reflecting on my pass two experiences in the elections, one that gave me a year of learning, another gave me a different path from my initial plan. Both built me up to where I am today.

It felt so much good to meet all the candidates, including all MCVP, MCP and LCP candidates. Through NLDS, I’ve worked and get along with all of the MCVP candidate except the other internationa candidate. I’ve got to say I am pretty excited about the team, even way before this Saturday and Sunday: the judgment days. Amidst all my thinking and thoughts, it went well nothing like what I’ve expected: nasty question and specific functional plans.

Based on the feedback, I need to improve on concise and coherent communication. I realise I am very spontaneous when it come to conversing my ideas and I will built the next point based on what came out from my mind. It tends to sway from the initial topic. So I gotta be very well aware of this. Nonetheless, when I am done with all that, a sense of accomplishment is what it came to me and yes, I said to myself in my heart:” You did it“. =)

Probably today gotta be more challenging. I will be heading to NUS for the Meet the People session. So forks, wish me all the best.

I was totally unaware of what did they plan to do in the supper at Secret Recipe. At least I never thought of having well wishes before I embarked into tempting a chance in life next week. They bought cakes and celebrate it in the birthday way just because according to them, birthday is the only time in a year that I’ll get to make a wish, so I was a made birthday boy and was granted a wish on the spot.

Honestly I was really touched when they take my decision seriously and as a friend, I felt so much honored because I knew someone is wishing and hoping the best for me.

Chloe promised to give me a gift. Something very meaningful. I thought it will be a card or something with wishes inside but all I got is a piece of paper. The same piece of paper that I passed to her a year ago before her MC VoC, scribbled there were some important issues to be understood before election, a simple chart, and one line “YES YOU CAN” with my signature signing off that piece of paper. She passed it back to me now, and I held the baton to make things happen. I felt very heavyhearted holding the piece of paper now, with so much emotion running through my mind.

I spoke to my parents about this. I got to say I am a damn lucky son that I have parents who is giving me the freedom to pursue my dream in my way, and who trusted me even though I am never a good son to them.

I went home from the gathering, Maha wrote on my facebook wall:

“dude,
I forgot to pass you a card i made for you. Anyways wanted to wish you all the best for elections and finish its strong…..”

She’s been really supportive and I can never fail in getting those little bits of optimism from her.

I texted Jess and she replied me saying she’s nervous. Then I called her. Talking to her, I have a feeling that she is ready and will do a good job tomorrow, though she’s speaking like a little kid going to kindergarten the first day tomorrow.  I am not writing to motivate because I know she’s not going to read this any soon. But those are the feeling I had when I hung up the call. So I’ll be waiting for the good news!

*******************

I really don’t know where will this lead me to. Some may questioned is it worth a try for skipping classes of one whole week. I guess I really don’t know how to answer yet not until 21th Jan. But all I know is how the things I am doing now relates to my future, and I really know I enjoy doing this. What’s more important than doing things that you like and will benefits you?

argh… I have a lot of thoughts and feeling worth penning down here. I wish I could have more time!